The Importance of Being Ernest Page 2

  Jim Varney’s future parents spent the summer getting better acquainted before James Sr. was shipped overseas for another tour. He spent the next three years in the Philippines, where he eventually reached the rank of corporal. He and Louise continued to correspond and eventually married shortly after he returned to Lexington in 1938.

  Within the first five years of their marriage, Louise gave birth to two girls, Jo Gail and Janice Ann (who came to be known as Jake). Meanwhile, James Sr. found employment as a ward attendant at the Veterans Administration Hospital in Lexington. Louise stayed home raising the girls. The Varneys settled into a small residence in Bluegrass Park around 1940. They would stay 14 years. Opened in 1938, Bluegrass Park was one of Lexington’s first low-cost housing projects, and many other military families lived there.

  In March 1944, just as Louise learned she was pregnant with their third daughter, Sandra (or Sandy as she came to be called), James Sr. returned to active service. He was assigned to Camp Barkeley, outside of Abilene, Texas, where he guarded German prisoners at the POW camp. When World War II ended roughly a year later, James Sr. returned home to his family and his job at the hospital.

  A few years later, Louise finally gave birth to a son. James Albert Varney Jr. was born on June 15, 1949, at Good Samaritan Hospital in Lexington. Dr. A.J. Whitehouse helped bring Jim into the world. (Whitehouse would become a local legend for delivering thousands of babies over 50 years.) After three daughters, James Sr. was ready to welcome a son into the fold.

  Although not exactly tiny, Jim hardly resembled the 15-pound giant his father claimed to have been as a newborn. Louise was so convinced she had been carrying another girl that she had actually made a dress for the baby to wear home. Perhaps to help distinguish his name from the one he shared with his father, the family called the new arrival Jimbo and sometimes “Bo” for short. All of Jim’s sisters were excited to have a little brother, and each would have a role in helping to raise him. The baby became their new toy, and they never tired of playing with him. Often called a “little sponge,” Jim’s ability to retain so much of what he read or heard amazed the family. It was not only the amount he retained that impressed them but the early age at which it began. Sandy swears that Jim could read portions of their elementary schoolbooks before he was 3.

  The constant attention Jim received from his sisters would prove to be all the more important as he battled asthma from an early age. He had so much trouble breathing that he would occasionally break blood vessels in his eyes. When he was outside playing and experienced an attack, one of his sisters was usually there to see that he went inside to recover. His mother stayed up many nights with him, sometimes holding his sleepy head over a vaporizer. The aroma of Vick’s often filled the house in fall and winter, while the thermostat stayed turned up an extra notch to keep him warm. Jim became all too familiar with the “rules” of his condition, which made him long for spring and summer when many of his symptoms subsided. Unfortunately, the only treatment available then was a shot administered by a doctor (who came to the house). The doctor told Jim’s parents that he would outgrow his asthma but would probably have problems with his lungs. True to the doctor’s word, the episodes grew farther apart as Jim matured. As far as anyone knows, he never had to use an inhaler.

  Because of Jim’s asthma, his parents discussed the possibility of Big Jim transferring to another VA hospital located in a warmer climate. James Sr. had worked his way up to a physical-therapist position while taking on additional duties that included organizing recreational activities and serving as a barber. But since his main specialty was so specific, options were limited. One opportunity they considered was in Palo Alto, Calif. The children all wanted to go, but in the end their mother could not bear to leave Lexington and her family. She decided to leave things as they were, hoping that Jim would get better.

  Along with his job and family obligations, Jim’s father was extremely involved in the local community. Having boxed as a young man, including earning a title while stationed in Hawaii, he was able to find work as a referee at many Golden Gloves tournaments held in Lexington. He also worked as a parking-lot attendant at the Keeneland racetrack during the spring and fall meets. Through his involvement with the VA, he participated in many of their volunteer activities and was active in his local Masonic lodge.

  Despite the extra money his side jobs brought in, Jim’s father could not provide for his kids in the way that he wanted. He did manage, however, to use the resources available to him to keep them entertained and physically active. With the VA Hospital’s permission, he regularly brought recreational equipment home for his children to use. James Sr. made sure that even his daughters learned the skills essential to boxing. This included proficiency on the speed bag, where Jo Gail quickly became known as the most dangerous. Jim’s father refereed boxing matches between the kids and their friends. He enjoyed the time spent with the neighborhood kids throughout Jim’s childhood. Many of them have fond memories today of “Mr. Varney” and credit him with teaching them good sportsmanship.

  The VA also let James Sr. bring his kids to swim in their indoor heated pools. He preferred to do this on Sunday afternoons just after the pools were cleaned. The children had the water to themselves for hours. Jake and Sandy remember swimming there during winter, looking out the windows and watching the snow fall.

  Jim’s father was successful in teaching all the children to swim except for Jim. Although he wanted to please his father, Jim always panicked as soon as his head began to go under water. His sisters tried but never succeeded in helping him overcome his fear.

  Jim’s father didn’t always need equipment or a pool to whip his kids into shape. Many mornings before he went to school, Jim and his sisters were led through a multitude of exercises that included push-ups, sit-ups and jumping jacks. Although it was not always easy keeping up with his older sisters, Jim’s fitness level greatly improved over time. That helped control his asthma and added muscle to his thin frame.

  Jim’s father enjoyed many other activities with his children. He demonstrated card tricks and participated in games such as checkers and chess. With the entire family joining in, these games could become competitive. Bingo was played for nickels and dimes, and that was considered “high stakes.”

  As Jim grew older, he began to take an interest in the items his father had acquired while stationed in Hawaii and the Philippines. This is where his lifelong fascination with knives, swords and watches began. Jim soaked up every detail of the workmanship and the history of each item. This time also gave him the opportunity to connect with his father in ways he never could around athletics.

  Jim also pursued his own interests. He sang, danced and mimicked characters he watched on TV. The ease with which Jim could pick up on the accent and mannerisms of a person carried over to musical instruments. Sister Jake remembers buying Jim a harmonica when he was around 8 years old. Jim immediately began playing a Stephen Foster tune called “Ring Ring the Banjo.” Surprised, Jake asked Jim how he could play the song so well. Jim told her he had heard the song somewhere and was just playing it back the way he remembered. A few years later he showed the same natural ability on an Appalachian dulcimer he purchased.

  Before long, it was not only family he entertained but any neighborhood friends and classmates who showed Jim attention. Some, like neighbor Sonny Wilson, joined Jim in various routines. Years later, Jim credited Sonny for helping him develop his comedic abilities. Jim recalled once, “Sonny was a real cut up. He’d wear weird things, put on weird hats. He and I were like the Marx Brothers.”

  Through the years, the dinner table served as a sounding board for Jim and his sisters. There, everyone traded interesting stories that were often very funny. The Varney kids were encouraged to share anything they thought entertaining. But the kids’ tales rarely topped their father’s, which included experiences from his childhood, the Army and his job at the VA.

  Of all his father’s stories, the tales of growing
up in the mountains seemed to capture Jim’s imagination the most. Although raised in the suburbs of Lexington, Jim came to identify strongly with the Varney’s mountain heritage. This is partly because it was so inextricably linked to the father he admired so much.

  It’s interesting to note that Jim’s Ernest character became another hillbilly caricature that was commercialized and parodied in much the same way many of his Hatfield and Varney ancestors were portrayed. Because of this, it can be said that throughout modern American history, a handful of closely related Varneys have been largely responsible for some of the most popular representations of the stereotypical hillbilly.

  The communities in which Jim’s father was raised endured many hardships due to poverty, demanding work and limited resources. Yet they were also places where family, fellowship, music and laughter sustained a person almost as much as a warm meal. Over time, Jim learned how to effortlessly channel many of the colorful residents of these mountain hollers into his own unique characters.

  The absurdity of Jim’s character “Lloyd Worrell,” whose family pretends to eat supper, is such an example. The idea of a poor, starving family could not be more heartbreaking, but to watch Jim portray a man who slices into an imaginary steak while marveling over a weight-gaining son was endlessly entertaining.

  In addition to his father’s influence, Jim drew some of his future material from other adults in the family. Jim’s mother was a teetotaler, most likely as a result of watching alcohol ruin the lives of uncles and cousins. The second husband of one of Louise’s older sisters was believed to be an alcoholic. From observing this uncle, young Jim saw firsthand how someone drunk behaved.

  When Jim’s oldest sister, Jo Gail, graduated from high school, the family hosted a party for her friends and family. Jim’s father purchased non-alcoholic sparkling wine for the younger crowd. Eight-year-old Jim drank a few glasses and then proceeded to convince everyone that he was “drunk,” staggering around and slurring his words. He kept it up for hours. He told his father that he had “had enough” and would have to “sober up” before posing for any pictures. Everyone was entertained by his antics. This early imitation helped shape various winos Jim portrayed years later in stand-up routines.

  Although Jim’s mother never had a problem with alcohol, she had other problems that were just as serious. From Jim’s early childhood to well into his teenage years, he and his sisters watched her battle depression and hypochondria. To the neighbors, she was the model housewife who excelled at cooking and homemaking. But inside their home, the children saw a nervous person who exhibited signs of obsessive compulsiveness (mopping the floor repeatedly and getting distraught if a dessert didn’t turn out just the way she wanted). She constantly complained about various ailments and sought refuge in bed. When their father was at work, the children sometimes felt abandoned.

  During these times Jim had his sisters to keep an eye on him. None was more vigilant than Jo Gail. She, as much as Jim’s mother, raised the youngest three kids. While Jo Gail was easygoing, that didn’t stop her from going after any of her siblings if she felt it necessary. When Jim got into trouble, he would plead with his other sisters not to tell Jo Gail. He didn’t mind as much if his mother found out since she did little to punish him.

  CHAPTER THREE: WATCHING TV

  Jim was growing up in a time when television was beginning to replace radio as the major form of household entertainment. Because of this, he received increasing exposure to the acting world. After the family purchased their first television, Jim would sit in front of it for hours. Popular TV characters during this time included cowboys such as Hopalong Cassidy and The Lone Ranger. Jim enjoyed dressing up as his cowboy heroes when playing with his toy guns, as well as wearing homemade capes while pretending to be Superman.

  • • •

  One TV program Jim rarely missed was a children’s show called “The Magic Forest.” It aired on Louisville’s WAVE Channel 5 and had a signal strong enough to be picked up in Lexington. Host “Uncle Ed” Kallay would sit on a tree stump in the magic forest and talk to his puppet friends while playing cartoons and silent movies. One of the show’s major sponsors was “The Ranch House,” a Louisville hamburger restaurant whose signature item was the “Ranch Burger.” Jim often begged his parents to take him there, but a 70-mile trip for a burger was out of the question.

  If a certain TV show had a sponsor, Jim wholeheartedly believed he and his family were supposed to use their product. Sweetheart Soap was among the products that Jim asked his mother to buy. She told him that it was somewhat fragrant, and his father probably wouldn’t like it. Jim answered, “Well, the lady on TV said we should use it, so Daddy will just have to get used to it.”

  One sponsor’s product that he had a little more success in convincing his mother to buy was a Fifth Avenue candy bar. Jim made sure to have one ready to eat before the show it sponsored aired. That way, he could enjoy it along with the people on TV during the commercial break.

  Comedic actors who would go on to become legends were all over the TV dial when Jim was growing up, influencing and shaping him, from Sid Caesar to Laurel and Hardy. As an adult, Jim referred to comedian Sid Caesar’s “Your Show of Shows” as the “Saturday Night Live” of its time.

  A TV special that captured Jim’s imagination, perhaps more than any other during his childhood, was “Peter Pan.” The version he saw starred Mary Martin and aired live in 1955. Right before it came on, Jim was asking everyone in the house questions such as, “How is Peter Pan going to be able to fly?” and “Who will be tiny enough to play Tinker Bell?” When the production came on Jim was enthralled, sitting spellbound in front of the television the entire time.

  After the show ended, Jim ran into his bedroom and started crying. When his mother asked him what was wrong, he told her that he was sad that it was over. Yet because of the show Jim developed a fear of anything that resembled a hook, based on the infamous metal limb of Peter Pan’s nemesis, Dr. Hook. James Sr. couldn’t resist teasing Jim about it. He sometimes told Jim that a hook was hanging outside the bedroom door or somewhere in the closet. A few years later, Jim actually had a classmate with a father who had a hook for a hand. Jim and the boy were playing together at school one day waiting to be picked up. When the boy’s father came into the classroom, he noticed that Jim was afraid. He asked Jim if had ever seen a real hook hand. Jim replied that he hadn’t. The man proceeded to show him all the things he could do with it and explained how he had lost his real hand (family legend has it that the loss was due to a war injury). When Jim came home he talked about the experience for days. That seemed to cure his fear. It wasn’t always easy, but Jim was growing up.

  CHAPTER FOUR: DISCOVERING THE THEATER

  The curiosity and imagination Jim possessed served him well as he entertained friends and family, but those skills rarely translated to success in the classroom. He found his schoolwork repetitious and dull, with little to hold his attention. He often got caught up in other things he found more interesting, such as colorful classmates.

  Although his grades never reflected it, Jim was extremely intelligent and constantly reading above grade level. Yet he was rarely motivated enough to do the work required to take advantage of his abilities. He preferred browsing through encyclopedias over working on assignments. By the time Jim was in second grade, his family had accumulated the entire Funk and Wagnalls Encyclopedia collection from a local supermarket promotion. Sandy remembers Jim surprising her once with an obscure fact, and when she asked him how he knew it, he pointed to the encyclopedias, saying, “From those books over there.” Years later in grade school, Jim stood up in the middle of class and began talking about how the Egyptians embalmed people. In gruesome detail he described how long hooks were used to pull the brain out through the nose. The teacher was not amused. The only subject that confounded Jim was math. Whenever he talked about his struggles with math as an adult, he said he was missing the math gene.

  Being an avid read
er at such an early age, Jim was knowledgeable on many subjects, in part because of the National Geographic magazines his father brought home from work for the kids. Along with the encyclopedias, they satisfied Jim’s thirst for knowledge, to the detriment of his schoolwork. During the times when Jim was confined indoors recovering from an asthma attack, reading helped pass the time, along with TV.

  When Jim was 8 years old, his sister Jake read an ad in the paper for auditions at Children’s Theatre in Lexington. She asked Jim if he wanted to go. When the big day came, he and Jake rode the bus to the Carriage House, which housed Children’s Theatre. When they arrived, close to 40 children, ages 8 to 16, were waiting to be interviewed. The young assistant director, Mary Warner Ford, introduced herself. (Author’s note: Today, she is Mary Polites.) Ford was initially interested in Jim’s sister, but Jake informed her that Jim was the one trying out. Ford handed him a script and was impressed enough with his performance to accept him.

  Children’s Theatre soon allowed Jim to put on display much of the potential his family saw in him. His first role was Abraham Lincoln’s childhood friend, Abner, in the play, “Abe Lincoln – New Salem Days.” In no time Jim was consistently landing starring roles such as Prince Charming in “Sleeping Beauty” and Scrooge in “A Christmas Carol.” Not only did the theater ignite Jim’s passion for acting, it began to instill in him a sense of purpose.

  Ford was a pivotal influence on Jim’s acting career. She was a high school student serving as assistant director under Fred Sliter when Jim first joined Children’s Theatre. In 1959 she took over as director while attending the University of Kentucky and serving as resident student director for the U.K. Theatre. Her many years with Jim at Children’s Theatre gave him a solid start to learning his craft.